Today and yesterday were not so good....
Well I went to the VA hospital yesterday for an early appointment, that I had to make for my legs. I had to be there by 8:30 a.m. and for me that in itself is hard to do, but I also had to drive 63 miles to get there.
I made the appointment because for the past couple of weeks my left thigh has been feeling like it has a hot iron(Like an iron to iron cloths)feeling through out it. Normally it is just totally numb in that area, due to my nerved. I got up at about 6 am to help get the boys ready for school and then get ready myself. That really sucked!
As I stated in my bio and I think my first article about myself, I referred to their mother as that and not my wife or girlfriend. We broke up a couple years ago(her choice not mine)because she couldn't handle hearing the doctors always saying that this illness is all in my head. She didn't like the fact that I was no longer able to work and that I couldn't help clean the house much anymore.
So anyways due to financial problems, she still lives with me with the boys while she goes to school to become a nurse. Honestly, she treats me like a piece of dog crap. She sleeps in her room with Jason(the youngest) and I sleep in the other room with James(Oldest and also the only person that cares about me) Yes we sleep in the same bed but for us it is a normal thing because we have done this for their entire lives. I was a truck driver and they were all on the truck with me over the road so we lived that way for several years.
Janet leeches off of me! That is about all I can say about that. I pay for her school, brand new car, rent and everything else she ever needs. I don't care about having to do that, but have a problem that she is always asking for money for things that she says are for school, but then never shows me a receipt. I am going on five months now with out making my own car payment because she uses all the money before I am able to pay. I make $2453.00 a month tax free and she manages to spend it every month and then has to ask one of her 9 brothers or sisters for financial help.
Hell I did it again! This post was supposed to be about my doctors visit.
Ok so I go in and see the doctor. Actually she is a nurse Practitioner, but she seems to care more about me than any doctor ever has. She set up a bunch more tests to do like MRI's, x-rays, labs and a couple of consults. Of course we had to add two more meds to my on going personal pharmacy too.
As of now I am taking 25 different meds and most of them are multi times in a day. I sleep with a huge mask on my face with a machine called an APAP machine to make sure I don't stop breathing at night. I suffer from extreme Sleep apnea. I wear a mouth guard at night because I grind my teeth so bad, that I have cause permanant damage to my bones in my jaws.
We went over some of my latest test results. X-Rays of my knees showed that I have continuous cartilage and bone loss in both. We already knew that I had degenerative bone disease. My EKG showed high tackacardia, with a rate of 132 beats per minute. It also showed something else that I honestly can't recall the name of it. She said that she wanted to order an ecocardiogram and some other test to see how bad it is. We discussed the results of my brain MRI that we had done to follow up on a stroke that was discovered with a CAT scan. It shows that I have an area of water on the brain which is the area that was affected by the stroke. It wasn't too big but than any stroke is not good, especially at 36 years old. I am on a large dose of daily aspirin, meds to lower my triglycerides and my cholesterol. The blood test showed my cholesterol to bee 1412 points, which is like 1200 points too high.
after the appointment I definitely left there feeling worse than when I went in. Just because of the stuff that I learned that have happened to me. Oh yeah I had to do this on my own because Janet doesn't go or take me anymore. She just doesn't give a crap anymore and sometimes I wonder why I still do! So I went to drop my prescription off and then went down stairs to eat. Then I went and picked up my meds and walked out to my car.
About ten miles away from home I somehow fell asleep at the wheel for a split few seconds and woke up as I hit the edge of the road and the median dirt. I have never done that before in my life even while driving trucks. I would drive 700 miles a day every day sometimes and never do that. So finally I get home and turned the TV on and laid down on the couch. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7:30 pm when Janet and the boys walked in.
This morning I got up at 6 a.m. and got the kids ready for school. After they all left I sat down here at the computer to check my emails and I think I opened two of them and while reading the second one fell asleep right here in the chair. I woke up after who knows how long and again laid down on the couch. Fell asleep and didn't wake up until Janet called me at 1:45 p.m. to tell me that she would get the kids from school instead of me and her sister picking them up at different times.(her sister picks James up, because her son goes to same school. I pick Jason up twice a week when neither can do it.) So then I get up and come sit down again and sit here for maybe 30 minutes when Janet and the boys pull up. I hadn't even been on the computer long enough to finish reading my e-mails when she walks in and sighs and asks "Can I have the computer now". I sighed and said "Yeah hold on a minute" and she yelled and said "well damn you've been on it all day" I yelled back and said "no I only got on it about thirty minutes ago,I slept all day!" and she sighed and gave me a dirty look and stomped down the hall to her room. Damn this is my computer, my apartment, my everything and she still dumps on me.
If you're asking yourself why I don't just move out. I guess I am too dependent on just the whole having people around me. I don't want to lose my boys here. They honestly are the only thing in my heart that tells me I have a purpose in life. With out them I wouldn't be here now. I have two older boys and I don't see them because of many different circumstances that I guess you could say are my and my wife's faults because we were young and not completely ready for the life that i asked her to sharewith me. she left me while I was in the gulf and when i returned we tried to make things work and couldn't. I am a firm believer that suicide is unforgivable by God and strongly believe that nothing can be that bad to need to take your own life. I have been through hell several times over in my life and live it every day now, but still can't picture myself doing that. I have a very strong need to know what tomorrow holds, not just for me but for the world in general. I could never do such a thing to my children either and that is what keeps me going the most.
I made the appointment because for the past couple of weeks my left thigh has been feeling like it has a hot iron(Like an iron to iron cloths)feeling through out it. Normally it is just totally numb in that area, due to my nerved. I got up at about 6 am to help get the boys ready for school and then get ready myself. That really sucked!
As I stated in my bio and I think my first article about myself, I referred to their mother as that and not my wife or girlfriend. We broke up a couple years ago(her choice not mine)because she couldn't handle hearing the doctors always saying that this illness is all in my head. She didn't like the fact that I was no longer able to work and that I couldn't help clean the house much anymore.
So anyways due to financial problems, she still lives with me with the boys while she goes to school to become a nurse. Honestly, she treats me like a piece of dog crap. She sleeps in her room with Jason(the youngest) and I sleep in the other room with James(Oldest and also the only person that cares about me) Yes we sleep in the same bed but for us it is a normal thing because we have done this for their entire lives. I was a truck driver and they were all on the truck with me over the road so we lived that way for several years.
Janet leeches off of me! That is about all I can say about that. I pay for her school, brand new car, rent and everything else she ever needs. I don't care about having to do that, but have a problem that she is always asking for money for things that she says are for school, but then never shows me a receipt. I am going on five months now with out making my own car payment because she uses all the money before I am able to pay. I make $2453.00 a month tax free and she manages to spend it every month and then has to ask one of her 9 brothers or sisters for financial help.
Hell I did it again! This post was supposed to be about my doctors visit.
Ok so I go in and see the doctor. Actually she is a nurse Practitioner, but she seems to care more about me than any doctor ever has. She set up a bunch more tests to do like MRI's, x-rays, labs and a couple of consults. Of course we had to add two more meds to my on going personal pharmacy too.
As of now I am taking 25 different meds and most of them are multi times in a day. I sleep with a huge mask on my face with a machine called an APAP machine to make sure I don't stop breathing at night. I suffer from extreme Sleep apnea. I wear a mouth guard at night because I grind my teeth so bad, that I have cause permanant damage to my bones in my jaws.
We went over some of my latest test results. X-Rays of my knees showed that I have continuous cartilage and bone loss in both. We already knew that I had degenerative bone disease. My EKG showed high tackacardia, with a rate of 132 beats per minute. It also showed something else that I honestly can't recall the name of it. She said that she wanted to order an ecocardiogram and some other test to see how bad it is. We discussed the results of my brain MRI that we had done to follow up on a stroke that was discovered with a CAT scan. It shows that I have an area of water on the brain which is the area that was affected by the stroke. It wasn't too big but than any stroke is not good, especially at 36 years old. I am on a large dose of daily aspirin, meds to lower my triglycerides and my cholesterol. The blood test showed my cholesterol to bee 1412 points, which is like 1200 points too high.
after the appointment I definitely left there feeling worse than when I went in. Just because of the stuff that I learned that have happened to me. Oh yeah I had to do this on my own because Janet doesn't go or take me anymore. She just doesn't give a crap anymore and sometimes I wonder why I still do! So I went to drop my prescription off and then went down stairs to eat. Then I went and picked up my meds and walked out to my car.
About ten miles away from home I somehow fell asleep at the wheel for a split few seconds and woke up as I hit the edge of the road and the median dirt. I have never done that before in my life even while driving trucks. I would drive 700 miles a day every day sometimes and never do that. So finally I get home and turned the TV on and laid down on the couch. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7:30 pm when Janet and the boys walked in.
This morning I got up at 6 a.m. and got the kids ready for school. After they all left I sat down here at the computer to check my emails and I think I opened two of them and while reading the second one fell asleep right here in the chair. I woke up after who knows how long and again laid down on the couch. Fell asleep and didn't wake up until Janet called me at 1:45 p.m. to tell me that she would get the kids from school instead of me and her sister picking them up at different times.(her sister picks James up, because her son goes to same school. I pick Jason up twice a week when neither can do it.) So then I get up and come sit down again and sit here for maybe 30 minutes when Janet and the boys pull up. I hadn't even been on the computer long enough to finish reading my e-mails when she walks in and sighs and asks "Can I have the computer now". I sighed and said "Yeah hold on a minute" and she yelled and said "well damn you've been on it all day" I yelled back and said "no I only got on it about thirty minutes ago,I slept all day!" and she sighed and gave me a dirty look and stomped down the hall to her room. Damn this is my computer, my apartment, my everything and she still dumps on me.
If you're asking yourself why I don't just move out. I guess I am too dependent on just the whole having people around me. I don't want to lose my boys here. They honestly are the only thing in my heart that tells me I have a purpose in life. With out them I wouldn't be here now. I have two older boys and I don't see them because of many different circumstances that I guess you could say are my and my wife's faults because we were young and not completely ready for the life that i asked her to sharewith me. she left me while I was in the gulf and when i returned we tried to make things work and couldn't. I am a firm believer that suicide is unforgivable by God and strongly believe that nothing can be that bad to need to take your own life. I have been through hell several times over in my life and live it every day now, but still can't picture myself doing that. I have a very strong need to know what tomorrow holds, not just for me but for the world in general. I could never do such a thing to my children either and that is what keeps me going the most.
posted by Jim | 8:20 PM
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